Monday
Jan172011

Look Hu’s Rockin’ the ‘Stache!

                                                                                                                                                       Washington D.C.- When Chinese President Hu Jintao conducts his official State visit to The White House this week, the Paramount Leader of the Peoples Republic of China will be received with world-class entertainment, fine dining and lavish gifts, as is customary for such an historic occasion.  But among the many gifts that Mr. Hu will be receiving from the citizens of the United States, is one very unusual item, according to the Protocol Gift Unit Director, Dale Chipperdonk. Working closely with the Assistant Chief of Protocol for Visits and the staffs of the President, the Vice President and the Secretary of State, Mr. Chipperdonk selects the gifts for foreign dignitaries.  “One of the items that the Chinese delegation will be receiving on this visit is Sazon Mas Guapo- a gourmet spice blend that comes with a fake mustache. While President Hu probably does not do much cooking, we understand that the Chairman of the Communist Party of China has an affinity for gag mustaches and the Obamas specifically requested this gift as a personal appeal to Hu’s sense of whimsy”, says Chipperdonk. 

             The official gift list was released today by the State Department and includes such conventional standbys as Stetson hats, handmade Amish quilts, designer jewelry, and gourmet food products.  Certainly, the inclusion of Sazon Mas Guapo is a departure from the normally luxurious or symbolic nature of Official State gifts, and Virginia-based Mas Guapo Foods could not be more thrilled with the decision to showcase it’s signature product on the international stage.  A spokesperson for the company affirms, “ We are delighted to be selected for the State visit; it really steps up the profile of our business.  We looked back through our customer records, and Hu would be our very first Paramount Leader...that’s a huge milestone for any small business!” 

            Sazon Mas Guapo is an organic spice blend that has become famous for its marketing hook- it is the only condiment on the market that promises to make a chef more handsome.  Mas Guapo users don mustaches (or “Rock the ‘Stache”), photograph themselves, and submit their pictures to the website’s “’Stache Gallery”.   While it is doubtful that Mr. Hu will join the ranks of Mas Guapo’s “Superstars”, a little levity might just help thaw icy relations between the two Superpowers.  President Obama will have a laundry list of contentious issues to navigate during this summit, including the under-valuation of the Yuan, the recent test flight of a new Chinese J-20 Stealth Fighter, North Korean relations, and human rights abuses.  Apparently the U.S. Government is betting that this zestilicious blend of organic herbs and spices might just be a panacea for the future of international relations. If so, we can all look forward to a more peaceful, more “guapo” world for our mustachioed children and grandchildren.

Saturday
Sep112010

Sazon Mas Guapo Cleared for 2011 Tour de France

   Cyclist "Rockin' the 'Stache"                                                                                                                                                                               Lausanne, Switzerland-The World Anti Doping Administration  (WADA) has issued a Therapeutic Use Exemption (TUE) for the popular spice blend Sazon Mas Guapo, opening the doors for its expanded use in professional sports, including the 2011 Tour de France.  Cycling organizations around the world, such as the USA Cycling Federation have been closely monitoring this decision, as the use of Sazon Mas Guapo has skyrocketed within the ranks of cycling elite in the past couple of years.  

          WADA was established in 1999 as an international independent agency composed and funded equally by sports organizations and governments of the world. Its key activities include scientific research, education, development of anti-doping capacities, and monitoring of the World Anti Doping Code – the document harmonizing anti-doping policies in all sports and all countries.   While the TUE does not preclude future action against the substance, it does allow for its current use under a physician’s directive.  

           Anti-doping groups have called for a prohibition of Sazon Mas Guapo from professional cycling, alleging that it boosts red blood cell counts thereby artificially increasing an athlete’s aerobic capacity. There is great concern that Mas Guapo abuse could escalate unchecked, much as EPO did before reliable testing for the compound was developed. While Sazon Mas Guapo cannot yet be detected by urine or blood tests, “juiced” athletes are often associated with characteristic facial hair, or “righteous ’staches”. 

            Representatives from the Sports Performance Division of Mas Guapo Foods have expressed guarded relief over the WADA decision.  “We have always contended that Mas Guapo is a condiment, not a performance enhancing drug.  Its unique blend of organic herbs and spices is so delicious that it makes the chef, or rider, appear more handsome.  Any ancillary physiological effects are the result of increased self-confidence and well-being, rather than any direct metabolic process.” So how will this decision affect Mas Guapo Foods? “ Well, let’s just say that we expect to see a lot more cyclists “Rockin’ the ‘Stache” up the Col du Galibier next summer.  That’s certainly good for us, but it’s just as good for the sport.”

Sunday
Aug222010

Sazon Mas “Blago”?

Chicago, IL- Mas Guapo Foods of Charlottesville, VA, may be exploring a celebrity endorsement deal with former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich.   A document anonymously posted on the website Wikileeks appears to iterate a list of various promotional services to be provided by Blagojevich to Mas Guapo Foods, in return for financial remuneration. 

            Blagojevich, who was impeached by the Illinois House of Representatives for misconduct, was recently tried on federal corruption charges stemming from allegations the he tried to “sell” the Illinois Senate seat vacated by President Barack Obama.  He was convicted on one of the 24 charges, lying to the FBI, and the jury was hung on 23 other counts. In anticipation of a lengthy and costly retrial, sources say that Blagojevich is actively pursuing revenue from a variety of different sources, including reality television appearances, speaking engagements, “meet and greet” sales, plasma donation, and product endorsements. 

            Below is an excerpt of the alleged draft contract with Mas Guapo Foods:

 

Section 4.2    Promotional Services and Considerations 

            The Client shall provide any or all of the following promotional services to the Company for the financial considerations noted: 

a.             Wear signature artificial facial hair (“‘Stache”) for photo shoot, for limited use on company website and electronic mail correspondence-                                                             $5,000;

b.             a. and include unlimited license for use-                                                        $7,500;

c.             a., b., and make  four public appearances with ‘Stache in one calendar year-  $10,000;

d.             a., b., c. and display permanent tattoo of Company Logo-                              $11,000;

e.             a., b., c., d., and attendance at Company Holiday Party-                                 $13,500;

f.              a., b., c., d.,  e., accompanied by a performing monkey-                                 $14,000;

g.            a., b., c., d., e., f., singing and dancing with above monkey-                            $14,500;

h.            a., b., c., d., e., f., g., and sponsorship of all future court appearances- Client to wear Company-branded apparel in court, and to respond  to all bench inquiries with “On the advice of counsel and the zesty   deliciousness of Sazon Mas Guapo, …”-                                   $38,000;

i.              a., b., c., d., e., f., g., h., and endorse a limited-edition, Natural Hair “Blago ‘Stache”- Client to provide sufficient cranial hair for 1,000 artificial  mustaches-                     $45,000; 

 

           While Mas Guapo officials would neither confirm nor deny the legitimacy of the document, or comment on any future engagement of services with the former governor, the spice company has been aggressively promoting its flagship product, Sazon Mas Guapo, a gourmet spice blend purported to make its users more attractive.   Though Blagojevich has not commented for this story, media experts believe that a partnership with the spice giant might benefit the beleaguered ex-governor.  “Mas Guapo might just make him a more handsome chef and less of a douche at the same time.”

Friday
Jul232010

Local Firm Abandons X Prize Dream

Brooklyn, Mich-   Local spice conglomerate Mas Guapo Foods has withdrawn its bid to compete for the Progressive Automotive X Prize, an international race to build a car that can travel 100 miles on a single gallon of fuel.  Corporate officials pulled the plug on the project last night after discouraging progress reports from team engineers.  The race is now in its final stage at the Michigan International Speedway and Team Mas Guapo had yet to present its entry to competition officials for fuel efficiency testing.  

“Truth be told, I don’t think that we ever really had a chance”, says Sven Tuebershoofson, former Volvo engineer and lead designer for Team Mas Guapo. “From our extensive efforts to design and build a spice-fueled internal combustion engine, we have come to the conclusion that Sazon Mas Guapo is versatile and delicious, but it is crap as an automobile fuel.”  

Team Mas Guapo was not the only local competitor contending for the elite prize.  Lynchburg entrepreneur and real estate developer Oliver Kuttner has submitted an impressive entry.  Kuttner’s team, called Edison2, has three vehicles competing in the final stage of the X Prize and is the sole team remaining in the competition’s mainstream category, which carries a $5 million prize. 

“This has been a disappointing chapter and a learning experience for our entire organization, but it serves as a reminder of the importance of sticking to core competencies; Mas Guapo is a spice company and from now on, we will stick to making food taste better and making chefs more handsome.”

Tuesday
Jul202010

Mas Guapo to Cuccinelli: “We are not witches!”

Charlottesville, VA. -  Local spice firm Mas Guapo Foods responded to rumors that they might soon be served with a Civil Information Disclosure, or CID, from the office of Virginia Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli.   Such a CID might seek internal documents and email correspondence relating to the firm’s signature product, Sazon Mas Guapo.  Ken Cuccinelli

In marketing materials, the company makes claims that its proprietary spice blend possesses a quality, or “Zestiliciousness”, that can make the user seem more attractive.  Mr. Cuccinelli contends that the company may be engaged in witchcraft and that state tax credits granted to the firm may have “separation of church and state implications”.  Though no representatives from the Attorney General’s office would comment on a pending filing, sources in Richmond allege that Mr. Cuccinelli refers to the spice blend as “the Devil’s handmaiden” and that images found on the website’s “’Stache Gallery” are homoerotic in nature. 

Mr. Cuccinelli has been in the spotlight since his election in 2008. His office has filed suit against the Federal government challenging the constitutionality of “ObamaCare” healthcare reform and sought to revoke legal protections afforded to the University of Virginia’s gay workers.  Also, the AG filed similar CID’s with the Environmental Science Department of UVa and actively petitioned to cover up the naked breast of Greek Goddess Virtus, whose figure has graced the Virginia State Seal since 1776. 

Say officials from Mas Guapo Foods,  “Our proprietary seasonings are simply so delicious that they make the chef appear more handsome and no supernatural activities are involved in their production. Further, we do not believe that it is appropriate for the state to intrude on our privacy in this way but recognize that [the company] would have an obligation to comply with such a request and we intend to cooperate to the extent required by law.”