Seasoning’s Effectiveness on Oil Spill Damage “Greatly Exaggerated” 

Charlottesville, VA.  In a written statement to local press, the “Patrons” of Mas Guapo Foods cautioned that widely spread reports of successes in ameliorating the environmental damages created by the Gulf Oil Spill were “greatly exaggerated and had not been properly researched”.  The company further warned that any inferences that the company’s centerpiece product, Sazon Mas Guapo, was “some sort of panacea” were grossly overstated and could be misleading to the company’s shareholders and disruptive to parties actively engaged in the regional clean-up process.  “While we have been conducting internal testing in this area and early results with chicken wing fat and pork chop grease have shown great promise, we are not ready to publish any data and we make absolutely no claims of either success or failure”. 

For years, Sazon Mas Guapo has been anecdotally shown to make its users appear more attractive, but the release continues, “We want to be crystal clear that this has not been shown to be helpful in any way for the environmental calamity in the Gulf of Mexico.”  BP, the Louisiana Coast Guard, and FEMA were unavailable for comment on this story.


Mas Guapo Mustaches Under Fire

Washington, D.C.- The D.C.-based watchdog group Center for Health Interests and Public Safety (CHIPS) has turned its attention away from “Kid’s Meal” toys for now and has taken aim at the complimentary artificial mustaches included with packages of Sazon Mas Guapo. 

The organization has demanded that Mas Guapo Foods stop offering mustaches with its proprietary Spice Blend, calling the practice "predatory," and last Thursday put spice giant on notice to comply or face legal action.  The CHIPS contends that the coercive marketing of Sazon Mas Guapo makes tots pester their parents to buy them seasonings that are full of “Zestiliciousness” and may cause excessive handsomeness.  The owners, or “Patrons de Mas Guapo”, could not be reached for comment, but in a press release called the action “Nanny-State politics at its worst” and that “[the CHIPS] could suck it”.

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